One of the hardest parts about adjusting to new parenthood (and even every time) is the abrupt onset of sleep deprivation. Babies are often exhausted by birth, and able to get a good stretch of sleep in on the first night of life. Super convenient for parents, because we are exhausted too! On the second night, however, babies tend to gear up for feeding and beginning to stimulate mom’s milk supply to kick it into high gear, and it can be quite the shock! Following that are often days and weeks of growth spurts, feeding every hour at times, and beyond. Some new moms come into this stage with the impression that they will be feeding their baby every 2-3 hours, and it can be really brutal to have that mindset and then be in the depths of those every hour feeds early on. Not to mention that our bodies are still trying to process what they just accomplished and heal day by day. It is too much to ask of anyone to simply just “adjust” to these changes, but we can do things to prepare ourselves, as well as help ourselves in the midst of it to not just survive, but to take the best possible care of ourselves and even find some awesome moments to stop and enjoy our brand new baby! In this blog, we will be discussing mostly sleep safety and a little bit of sleep norms for newborns.
Safety is often at the forefront of all new parents’ minds, thanks to our powerful instincts, as well as a rush of the hormone oxytocin, which gives us those loving and protective feelings. Here are some quick tips to help put those urges to use:
Back is best. Place your baby on their back in their specific sleep environment. For the time being, this will ensure the safest sleep. When they are older and can roll from back to front and front to back, things will be a bit more flexible.
Make sure there are no pillows or comforters that could possible obstruct their breathing. Dress them warm enough to sleep without a blanket, and possibly even consider a sleep sack.
Make sure there are no gaps between mattress and bed frame where your baby could fit into. Additionally, sleeping with your baby on a couch or recliner should be avoided because of these gaps that obstruct breathing.
Absolutely no one who is a smoker or under the influence of drugs or alcohol should be sleeping with the baby. Period.
Be aware that SIDS and suffocation are two different things. I highly recommend the book Sweet Sleep, to inform you of these differences, and to help you make sleep decisions for your family that will give everyone peace of mind.
I also HIGHLY recommend visiting the website cosleeping.nd.edu to learn some fascinating things about the breastfeeding mother/baby dyad, and how peace of mind about sleep is more possible than you might have thought!
Frustration about the sleep/lack of sleep situation can happen day or night. Not one parent is exempt from this frustration attempting to bubble over and out of control at times. If at any time you feel this, place your baby in their crib/sleep surface on their back and walk away. Give yourself a minute to cry and take deep breaths. Your baby can be ok for a minute or two without you, and you deserve to give your feelings space. When you pick them back up again, sit down, and remind yourself that this is just a moment in time. It will pass and there are so much better days ahead, much sooner than you think!
Speaking of frustration, this tends to peak in the middle of the night between new parents. Refrain as much as possible from exchanging heated or hateful comments, but if it happens (and it will), make it a point to settle things in the morning. Give each other grace, and realize that things are not “normal” right now.
Sleep safety can often be a tense topic, but hopefully some of these things can help you begin to diffuse that tension. Remember that your instincts will guide you and shouldn’t be ignored, even if you still feel like you don’t have all of the answers. Always consult your pediatrician for advice, and find people who support your parenting instincts. And repeat to yourself as often as necessary, “It WILL get easier!”
When? It is so tough to say from one baby to another with so many variables at play between feeding style, sleep environment, and also the general temperament of each baby. Something that people often don't know is that our body's ability to separate day from night and sleep in somewhat normal patterns, our circadian rhythm, doesn't quite kick in until around 4 months. And really, that doesn't get into quite as predictable of a rhythm until around 6 months. That is not to discourage you and make you feel like you'll be in this exhausted state for an eternity. But just know that you aren't doing anything wrong by feeding your baby when they seem hungry, even through the night.
It's hard to talk about newborn sleep without also leading into feeding, because we all know that's why we are alone with them in the quiet world at 4 am. We are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. We are able to go through pregnancy, birth, and then right into this human lack of sleep experiment that is the newborn days! If no one cheers you on about those superhuman tasks, I'll be the first one. You are incredible! Now, we can go on with our talk about sleep...
Let me give you this bit of reassurance: there is no need to start setting up a schedule in the newborn days, and you aren't messing anything up for your baby's relationship with sleep at this stage. Be the consistent presence they can count on as they adjust to this bright, loud world. Their reassurance in you and their environment is what will lead eventually to an overall healthy temperament. As exhausting as the lack of sleep can be and IS in this newborn stage, you want your baby to feed whenever necessary so they can thrive and hit their milestones. Remember that feeding is so much more than just feeding. It's connecting. It's the development of a lifelong relationship. When your baby knows you are responsive to them, it sets their little brains up developmentally in ways that will help them for years to come.
But you're not just a feeding machine. Make sure someone is taking care of YOU! Even in the smallest ways, every little bit counts. You aren't getting the sleep your body needs or is used to, so please find other ways to take care of yourself or ways to let someone else. If your job is to feed a little someone around the clock, then don't you dare let yourself go hungry & thirsty! But you'll definitely need help in this department. Tell your people. And please remember that your baby can only be okay if you're okay. Food and water are the most basic start of this "being okay". Rest when you can. Get sunlight when you can. You will come out of this newborn fog, I promise! One step at a time.
Love,
Nikki
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