For the record, my life never looked quite like this. Maybe one day it will. But I kind of need everyone to be wearing sweatpants.
When motherhood begins, we are either at the finish line of a long pregnancy, or we are jumping head first into newborn life while still trying to cope inside with whatever our birth story looked like. All of that in and of itself is a lot to process and wade our way through each day. Those things absolutely deserve taking a pause and processing through- either aloud or through writing- but today we are going to revisit what life looked like before all of that.
You’re not a bad mom if you miss your life before motherhood began. You’re just human. Being able to express that can really help ease the burden of new mom guilt or even dread as you face each day that is suddenly 100% not about you. It will eventually soon be about you too, but it will definitely take some time to get there and to learn how to prioritize yourself as well. Maybe you can relate to some of these aspects of life that suddenly disappeared or just became really different, really fast.
Sleep.
Being able to leave the house.
Talking to and being with other adults.
Being able to take care of your hygiene at any given time.
Being able to eat foods without considering how it will affect your baby.
Talking to your spouse whenever, being able to go out together easily, and not having the added tension of trying to figure out your new normal together.
One on one time with an older child.
Cooking meals and having the energy to, as well as being able to keep up with your house.
We have to realize that some of these losses or pauses require a grieving period, and we should let ourselves have that. This is not even to mention that you are dealing with very physical realities while recovering from birth. There is SO MUCH going on at once. Physically, Mentally, Emotionally, and Relationally. Without meaning to, you can go full speed ahead with the tasks right in front of you- Feed, change, feed again- and never really stop to acknowledge what you’ve just been through.
Maybe in some ways your husband hasn’t fully grasped the weight of these sudden changes, and it might be helpful for you to voice them to him. Obviously this can be a delicate conversation with newborn life overall feeling stressful. But it can be approached in a kind way. If he is looking for ways to help with your new baby, but feels helpless because of not being able to breastfeed, some of these ways of taking care of you can be some of the most helpful things. When a new mom’s needs are met, she can be the best version of herself and this helps her baby thrive. But even if it weren’t for the baby, she matters too!
While we acknowledge the sometimes harsh realities of what is right now, we should also ask ourselves if anything got better because of our new role. Of course we love our babies, of course! But this recovery stuff can be seriously hard. But putting that aside for a moment, let's recognize the joy of our new normal. Maybe you can relate to these examples:
Recognizing your strength for what you've just gone through.
Becoming the mom who was always inside of you. Maybe even the fulfillment of a lifelong dream.
The opportunity to have pleasant little interactions (although sometimes they can be awkward and annoying) everywhere you now go, all because of your new little one. Sometimes these little adult interactions can really lift you up after being alone with your baby all day.
Being able to not give a rip about what you look like because you've got more important things to worry about!
Having someone who is brand new to this earth love you more than anything, and they communicate it without words.
The joy and wonder that a new life brings to your home and family.
Life will get easier- I promise. You will learn to add the things back to your life here and there that you need to feel like yourself. It may seem like you will never be able to get out of the house and especially never be able to leave your baby with someone, but you will. Let's just take it one day at a time. Sometimes even one hour at a time. It is a weird thing to consider how the end of your pregnancy dragged by, but the time immediately after feels like it flies by. This is especially true when having a front row seat to how fast your baby grows. Even weirder to consider how the days all run together with mundane tasks of caring for a newborn, and this can make time seem to go so slowly. And here you are in the midst of it, just trying to figure out how to care for another person and find time to care for yourself. This chapter takes a lot of getting used to, and you WILL get there, so give yourself grace.
Love,
Nikki
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