Does asking for help come easy to you? If you’re like me, the answer is NO! One reason why it is hard for me, is because I really like things to be a certain way. You might be thinking “control freak”! And that may be a little bit true. But for me, as it pertained to being a first-time mom, it was mostly because my anxiety was high. That in combination with the fact that I knew I would be returning to work in just a few weeks, and wanted to get a full drink of how things “would be,” so that the weight of the load wouldn’t all surprise me then.
Sheesh. It sounds a bit understandable even now. But more than that, it sounds exhausting. Having a baby exit your body is not just a regular week occurrence. So why should we put expectations on ourselves that match a regular week/month/ or even year? We shouldn’t. We’re only human and we need to RECOVER! For the sake of ourselves and all who love us.
So what do we have to let go of? One that we already went over was expectations. Expecting ourselves to function normally, our house to look clean to our normal standards, our appearance and even hygiene to be up to its normal level— at first it’s simply not possible. Expecting our spouse and other family members to read our minds- they can’t, unfortunately. Another thing to let go of: guilt. This will be an ongoing process, but we must do it. We can’t allow ourselves to feel guilty for not doing it all right now. What your body accomplished is phenomenal! And it doesn’t matter one bit what it looks like everyone else is able to get right back to, at least through the lense of social media. You might be seeing a tidy house and freshly washed and styled hair. What you may not have seen is the tears that poured just to get to that place in order to keep up appearances and put on the happy front. Side note- its perfectly okay to look at and even be happy in the newborn stage, but it isn’t reality or even close at all times— remember that!
One of the best ways to begin to let go of expectations and guilt? Communication! Let your people know what you want and need. What may seem obvious to you may not even be a high priority or noticed by them. Write out a short list of the things that may be bothering you around the house on a daily basis. Maybe that list could easily grow long because of all that is piling up. If there are 25 things that you could name, maybe you could choose 2 main tasks that are feasible for your spouse or a friend to accomplish each day. Example: Have the dishes in the sink cleared and the living room picked up each day. How amazing would that feel to you? Another great person to help accomplish tasks is a postpartum doula! ;) She is like another you, so the actual you can be in bed recovering, feeding your baby, and basking in more contentment than guilt. Another thing a postpartum doula can do is help you brainstorm a list of tasks and then facilitate the delegating of these tasks to visitors who would love to help as well as visit with you and your new baby. It’s just that tough part of communicating the need- which a doula is more than happy to do.
The not fun part, what could happen if you choose to attempt to do it all yourself? Well, a lot, and it is too much to get into right now. But in general, burnout of your physical and mental health. This is not something you want to look back on your postpartum period and reminisce about. Both of those things, your physical and mental health, will already be put to the test by just the process of birth and recovery, as well as lack of sleep. The respect of both of those aspects of your health can lead to better feeding long term, lower chances of developing a postpartum mood disorder, and a better long term relationship with your spouse and other family members- just to name a few!
The dose of advice/reality I want to leave you with- you aren’t meant to do it all! Even if you are single, please enlist the help of relatives or friends. Your baby needs you to allow yourself to recover so you can best care for him/her, as well as begin to develop a bond that will last a lifetime. You’re important. You’re enough. You also are only human. One of my favorite things to say to moms during the postpartum period: Be nice to yourself!
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